1. He's a child.Or any variety of this phrase really. I'm a child. She's a child. I'm actually five. I get it, you don't think you are mature enough to have to pay $11 for a movie ticket. Unfortunately, you are like forty. Get over your age issues and pay up. Also, people need to stop calling their spouses children or I'm going to flip out. It's really disrespectful no matter what your relationship is like.
2. Don't try to sell me anything. That's not right.
At the box office, we are supposed to ask customers if they would like to donate to the Variety children's charity, which provides wheel chairs and walkers to underpriveldged children with special needs. Forgive me for asking if you could donate three dollars to help these poor children. I didn't know you would be so offended. Which brings me to my next comment.
3. Next time.
I know for a fact that you are not going to donate next time, so just be honest and say no.
4. Why are the ticket prices fifty cents more than at -insert theater here-?How am I supposed to know this? Possibly because our theater is only three years old and we keep it looking amazing? If it's such a big deal, go to the other theater instead.
5. Why don't you have -insert movie here-? The theater in -insert city here- does.The short answer is, I don't know why we don't have that movie. I don't make the movie selections. However, I can tell you that we only have so many theaters and we can't possibly show all of them.
6. How many seats are left?Like, all of them? Frozen has been in our theater for months now. Nobody wants to see it anymore. Except for...you. By the way. You know you can go to Target and get that movie cheaper than you would be paying for it at the theater, right? Obviously not since you are here.
7. There weren't any seats. Can I get a refund?I know for a fact that half the theater is empty, but sure, let me call a manager over right away.
8. Could we please make this a priority?I know it sucks that your son lost his wallet, but don't expect me to put you above all the other customers that are waiting in line behind you. I will check the lost and found, but if it's not there, I can't really do much except for take your name down. I'm not going to drop everything that I'm doing to go search for a wallet.
9. Do they look like adults to you!?Your kids do not look like adults to me, but in movie ticket lingo, you are considered and adult if you are over 11. I've never met your kids before, so I don't know how old they are. If they look somewhere between 10 and 14, I'm going to ask. Oh, and I don't have an aggressive personality, that would be you. Please, just pay for your tickets and go somewhere else. I have better things to do than to listen to you calling me rachet. Thanks for being a great role model for your kids, btw!
10. I'll take two motherfuckin** old people for Divergent at 7:00.This one caught me off guard. This old man, with a can, came up to me and blurted that out. I kind of stared at him and then he said, "When you have lived as long as I have, you deserve to have some motherfuckin' fun." Touché.
**Note: I chose not to edit out the curse words because it's a direct quote and it would have less impact.