Blast From The Past: Dear Diary

March 29th, 2010

I woke up this morning. The first thing I did, like every morning was turn on my computer and go to Facebook and two people were talking about crushes and their crush liking someone else, blah blah blah.  Well, I wasn't really thinking about it at the time, but what I said really impacted me.

"When you really love someone, you want to make them happy no matter what, even if that means sacrificing your own selfish desires."

Whether just as a friend, or something more, I will always love Dylan.  I want to make him happy, no matter what.  As selfish as I am, I have pushed those desires aside and made everything just about him from time to time, but has he ever done that for me? I know he has. I know he truly loves me more than I can ever imagine.

If we love each other, why aren't we together? Why are we still acting like some sort of friends with benefits deal?  I have no idea.  In a way, I kind of like the friends with benefits thing because he treats me better when we are just friends than when we are actually together, but at the same time I would much rather call him my boyfriend.  I would much rather be exclusively his than to turn to some random guy and flirt with him because I'm lonely.

Maybe I should just make myself exclusive with him even though we aren't exactly exclusive. But then what happens if he decides he doesn't want to be with me? That he can't stand me anymore and never wants to talk to me again. Do I really want to have my heart broken by a guy when there was nothing there anyways? Sometimes I feel as if I'm holding on by a thread, ready to fall as soon as the last thread snaps. 

I can't just be friends with Dylan. There is always going to be some type of string attached to our relationship.  Maybe we should just take our time and see what happens, but how long do we wait? A month? A year? Five years? What if we wait to long?  We'll just have to wait and see...

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Writing in a diary/journal has never been easy for me. To this day, I forget to do it, even though I want to. I'm a sucker for reminiscing and looking over old memories.  The other day, I was reading some of my old posts on LiveJournal from over two years ago and I couldn't help but notice how unhappy and childish I sounded.  I was hung up on this guy who I had been dating for four months and then on again off again for another five, which is completely dumb! I have always been a firm believer in never going back to your ex, but for some reason, I was convinced that I loved this guy and I couldn't live without him. 

Today, I'm going to breakdown this journal entry and tell you exactly what I think of it now that my life has drastically changed for the better.

"When you really love someone, you want to make them happy no matter what, even if that means sacrificing your own selfish desires." - This is REALLY good advice. So glad it came out of my mouth...errr Fingers? Since it was on Facebook.  

Whether just as a friend, or something more, I will always love Dylan.  I want to make him happy, no matter what. - Woah. Wait a minute. Dylan and I aren't even friends anymore. I mean, sure we talk occasionally (like once every couple of months), but it's awkward when we do.  We've drifted apart and have separate lives now. Also, making that boy happy was near impossible.

As selfish as I am, I have pushed those desires aside and made everything just about him from time to time, but has he ever done that for me? I know he has. I know he truly loves me more than I can ever imagine. - I can't believe how stupid, naive I was. He loved me as much as a pig likes his slop in the morning. Temporary. Once it's gone, he doesn't care anymore. Now that I have a boyfriend who actually cares about me, and would do ANYTHING to make me happy, I can't help but feel like the relationship between Dylan and I was nothing more than two kids acting like they love each other. 

If we love each other, why aren't we together? Why are we still acting like some sort of friends with benefits deal?  I have no idea.  - UMMM HELLO YOUNGER SELF! Open your eyes. You guys weren't meant to be together, now move on and find your awesome boyfriend who is like 100000000x better than this jerk.

In a way, I kind of like the friends with benefits thing because he treats me better when we are just friends than when we are actually together, but at the same time I would much rather call him my boyfriend.  I would much rather be exclusively his than to turn to some random guy and flirt with him because I'm lonely. - Obviously he doesn't care about you anymore. He's just stringing you along. Also, if you are looking at other guys, maybe you should realize it's time to move on as well.

Maybe I should just make myself exclusive with him even though we aren't exactly exclusive - TERRIBLE IDEA ALERT!

But then what happens if he decides he doesn't want to be with me? That he can't stand me anymore and never wants to talk to me again. Do I really want to have my heart broken by a guy when there was nothing there anyways? - No, you most certainly do not! I'm glad my younger self at least had some common sense.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm holding on by a thread, ready to fall as soon as the last thread snaps.   - Well, if that thread snaps, pick yourself back up and move on! Life has up and downs. Once you get over this hill you are struggling with, you will be blessed with something wonderful!

I can't just be friends with Dylan. - YOU AREN'T EVEN FRIENDS ANYMORE!

Maybe we should just take our time and see what happens, but how long do we wait? A month? A year? Five years? - Yeah. Time. Time is good. Time will show you what a jerk he was to you and then you won't want him anymore. I think it took...what? A month? 

What if we wait to long? - Then you will find another man who is even better because obviously, that relationship was not meant to be!

It's not even the relationship itself that makes me feel so strongly about this entry as it is the fact that so many girls have felt this way about a guy. They end up resorting to stupid stuff to keep him, when really, you just need to let him go! You may think you love him, you might have at some point, but when a relationship is over, it is over.  I hope girls everywhere learn this. Keep your mind clear and NEVER let a guy dictate your actions.